There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
I like comedy, I love it very much, I love laughing.
I have an Italian comedy at the Venice Film Festival.
I had a terrible job letting me do anything that wasn't comedy.
When I first started acting, I started in opera and had a great desire to play grand, tragic characters. I got sidetracked in musical theater and ended up doing a lot of comedy.
If you elect a matinee idol mayor, you're going to have a musical comedy administration.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy.
Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself.
Avoiding humiliation is the core of tragedy and comedy.
My favorite work is The Full Monty because I got an Oscar for it. But it was really hard work at the time. Sometimes comedy is not a bundle of laughs to actually do.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes if I go and see a really funny comedy, that I wished I had smoked a joint. I'll be honest with you. That's the truth.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
This is my chance to get out there and appease the fans of my music as well as show people that I do do standup comedy because a lot of people don't know that's where I started.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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