There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes if I go and see a really funny comedy, that I wished I had smoked a joint. I'll be honest with you. That's the truth.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
This is my chance to get out there and appease the fans of my music as well as show people that I do do standup comedy because a lot of people don't know that's where I started.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
I wanted to write something that would be a comedy in the sense of making people feel happier when they finish it than they did when began it.
And you can't hide in a comedy scene either. You have to give in to the scene and commit.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
We participate in a tragedy; at a comedy we only look.
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
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