Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Comedy

Quotes about: Comedy

• I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

• A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Witty, Laughter

• I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Way

• An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

• I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Gum

• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Long

  "Strategic Grill Locations". 1999.

• I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Soccer, Humor

• Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Night

• Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Children, Book

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

• I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Life, Dream

• I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

• I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Sex, Humor

• I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Drug

• I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Men

• I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Pyramids

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

• Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Dog, Humor

• I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Hot

• My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Food, Humor

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, www.theguardian.com. December 9, 2003.

• My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Doe

• My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Real, Hero

• I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Different

• I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, People

• Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Clouds, Comedy

• I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Caring

• I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, People

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