Doug Stanhope Quotes

Quotes about:

• Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

  Doug Stanhope

  Hate, Pride, Race

  127 Copy quote

• I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

  Doug Stanhope

  People, Mediocre, Intellect

  86 Copy quote

• If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

  Doug Stanhope

  Children, Parent, Language

  "Before Turning the Gun on Himself". Comedy album by Doug Stanhope, 2012.

  112 Copy quote

• Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

  Doug Stanhope

  Winning, Laughing, Mind

  127 Copy quote

• You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

  Doug Stanhope

  Atheist, Two, Rebel

  "Doug Stanhope: Word of Mouth". Comedy, 2002.

  115 Copy quote

• Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

  Doug Stanhope

  Sex, Kids, House

  97 Copy quote

• There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Addiction, Enjoy

  "Before Turning the Gun on Himself". Comedy album by Doug Stanhope, 2012.

  93 Copy quote

• Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

  Doug Stanhope

  Real, Voice, Accurate

  26 Copy quote

• I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

  Doug Stanhope

  Depression, Unique, Doctors

  101 Copy quote

• You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

  Doug Stanhope

  Laughing, Should, Humour

  27 Copy quote

• Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Depression, Suicide

  92 Copy quote

• Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

  Doug Stanhope

  Long, Goal, Society

  81 Copy quote

• There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, Two

  "Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero". Video, August 24, 2004.

  87 Copy quote

• Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

  Doug Stanhope

  Moving, Heritage, Baggage

  "Doug Stanhope: Oslo - Burning the Bridge to Nowhere". Comedy, 2011.

  27 Copy quote

• I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Humor, People

  52 Copy quote

• Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

  Doug Stanhope

  Stupid

  17 Copy quote

• They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

  Doug Stanhope

  Lying, Home, Nursing

  74 Copy quote

• What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

  Doug Stanhope

  Leader, What If, Doe

  68 Copy quote

• I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

  Doug Stanhope

  Miracle, Pills, Would Be

  70 Copy quote

• If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Believe, Humor

  "Doug Stanhope: Word of Mouth". Comedy, 2002.

  23 Copy quote

• I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

  Doug Stanhope

  Drinking, Benefits, Knows

  41 Copy quote

• Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

  Doug Stanhope

  Boring, Reason, Temporary

  "Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero". Comedy, 2004.

  14 Copy quote

• America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

  Doug Stanhope

  America, Giving, Credit

  60 Copy quote

• The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

  Doug Stanhope

  Good Life, Keys, Bullshit

  48 Copy quote

• Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

  Doug Stanhope

  Fun, Thinking, Issues

  48 Copy quote

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