Latest Doug Stanhope Quotes from Interviews

Quotes about:

• People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.

  Doug Stanhope

  Weed, People, Drug

  Source: hightimes.com

• If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

  Doug Stanhope

  Children, Lying, Marijuana

  Source: hightimes.com

• I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.

  Doug Stanhope

  Wish, Point Of View

  Source: hightimes.com

• When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

  Doug Stanhope

  Littles, Arizona, Towns

  Source: www.esquire.com

• There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.

  Doug Stanhope

  Car, House, Drug

  Source: www.esquire.com

• "This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

  Doug Stanhope

  Dying, Tadpoles, Mouths

  Source: www.esquire.com

• I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

  Doug Stanhope

  Running, Topics, Towns

  Source: www.esquire.com

• "Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

  Doug Stanhope

  Mother, Wind, Lunch

  Source: www.esquire.com

• [Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

  Doug Stanhope

  Tools, Actors, Might

  Source: www.esquire.com

• I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

  Doug Stanhope

  Party, Night, Men

  Source: www.esquire.com

• My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

  Doug Stanhope

  Beer, People, Firsts

  Source: www.esquire.com

• The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

  Doug Stanhope

  Thinking, Get Better, Wake Up

  Source: www.esquire.com

• The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need to be known anymore than I am. The slight sliver of fame I do have is hard to deal with. If I was actually well-known - I don't even know what to say to people who are at my show when I walk into the venue, much less having waitresses in diners asking for my autograph.

  Doug Stanhope

  People, Acting, Ruins

  Source: www.avclub.com

• I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

  Doug Stanhope

  Perfect, Say Anything, Want

• The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.

  Doug Stanhope

  Kings, Cds, Ideas

• I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

  Doug Stanhope

  Thinking, People, Wonder

• I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

  Doug Stanhope

  Thinking, Marijuana, People

• People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

  Doug Stanhope

  Hands, Idols, People

• If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

  Doug Stanhope

  Government, Drug, Members

• One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

  Doug Stanhope

  Mean, Perfect, Paper

• Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

  Doug Stanhope

  Fun, Thinking, Issues

• I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

  Doug Stanhope

  Past, Challenges, Levels