Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open.
Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world.
A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.
A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerated the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And if I can persuade you to laugh at the particular point I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge its truth.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.
I had a student ask me, "Could the savior you believe in save Osama bin Laden?" Of course, we know the blood of Jesus Christ can save him, and then he must be executed.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
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