Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around.
The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.
I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Don't find fault, find a remedy.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.
Never mistake motion for action.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.
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