The church is like manure. Pile it up, and it stinks up the neighborhood. Spread it out, and it enriches the world.
The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.
Mind is never a problem. Mindset is
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
Being bored is an insult to oneself.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.
The only church that illuminates is a burning church.
To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Don't find fault, find a remedy.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
I went to school, majored in theatre, and said 'Mom, I have to choose my own destiny. I want to be an actor.' A couple of weeks after I graduated college I called my mother up and said 'Can I borrow $200?' and she said 'Why don't you act like you've got $200.'
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