What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.
Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..
I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.
I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me.
I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.
I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.
I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.
Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.
I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.
I wish I could end every rap song I didn't like with a buzzer.
When asked if he enjoys being famous: Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I've always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore.
I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.
But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.
Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.
I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.
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