Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.
We'll never see national shows with 45 shares again.
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
It doesn't matter how smart you are; to audition for 'Jeopardy,' you just have to luck out and know what they're asking you that day.
International soccer has been a big part of my love for the sport. I love the Men's National Team. I can say that they're my favorite sports team.
Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.
I wish I could end every rap song I didn't like with a buzzer.
Trust me, kids - your homework can wait. Don't need to be doing homework while Whose Line is on; skip it!
On other shows when they get to the end of the scene, they yell 'Cut!' On Whose Line, we yell 'That's Enough!'
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