Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.
You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed.
At 'Price Is Right,' people feel so safe there and loved. And if you can't jump around on 'Price is Right,' then you can't jump around anywhere, you know?
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better.
I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.
I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.
International soccer has been a big part of my love for the sport. I love the Men's National Team. I can say that they're my favorite sports team.
It doesn't matter how smart you are; to audition for 'Jeopardy,' you just have to luck out and know what they're asking you that day.
I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.
I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.
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