Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine.
I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
Trust me, kids - your homework can wait. Don't need to be doing homework while Whose Line is on; skip it!
You know what I worry about? I worry that when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain, and it will eventually kill me.
Libertarians are conservatives who still get high.
But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.
Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight.
Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.
But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.
When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.
As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed.
My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.
People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.
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