Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
I've got to say that I don't see myself as some sort of political type like Alec Baldwin or Barbra Streisand. I don't want to come across like that. I'd be embarrassed if that was the way I came across.
When asked if he enjoys being famous: Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I've always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore.
I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.
I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.
If you're wearing a Bluetooth thing and you've got that thing on your belt, you are working for somebody else. You are not the guy in charge. That's a really good social status indicator.
People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.
If frogs could fly - well, we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.
Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.
The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you don't feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don't have energy for anything. It's horrible.
The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.
I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
There's nothing like the energy in a small comedy club room or a small theater when it's going really well. I can see everybody's face practically in the whole room. There's no cameras in the way, and it's just me.
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