Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.
I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.
I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.
I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me.
I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.
I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.
You know what I worry about? I worry that when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain, and it will eventually kill me.
I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.
'Green Screen' was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.
I wish I could end every rap song I didn't like with a buzzer.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight.
Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
I always run in the morning on an empty stomach, and I'll go through a bottle and a half of water. Then I have a protein drink or I eat egg whites.
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