Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.
Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.
Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.
Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter..
I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.
I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.
Reality shows always look for the worst people.
I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.
Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
International soccer has been a big part of my love for the sport. I love the Men's National Team. I can say that they're my favorite sports team.
I'm never afraid to die. I think that's the best thing that can happen to somebody is they get to move on and do something better.
It doesn't matter how smart you are; to audition for 'Jeopardy,' you just have to luck out and know what they're asking you that day.
On other shows when they get to the end of the scene, they yell 'Cut!' On Whose Line, we yell 'That's Enough!'
I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.
Libertarians are conservatives who still get high.
I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.
The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.
After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
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