It sucks being fat, you know.
The economy is in trouble, schools are in trouble, and people have been leaving the city in droves for a long, long time.
I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
I'm competitive at everything.
I actually was worried about the pounding, but I actually love running more than working out on the elliptical. Now if I get on the elliptical, I feel like I'm trapped.
Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.
Isn't it amazing that the Germans call their city halls 'rat houses'? That's what we should call our city halls!
The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.
The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.
I learned how to believe in myself. Learned how to set goals, you know, self help books man. I just read every single one I can get a hold of, and I still do.
I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.
I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.
Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're Transportation Captains.
Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.
Libertarians are conservatives who still get high.
On other shows when they get to the end of the scene, they yell 'Cut!' On Whose Line, we yell 'That's Enough!'
I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.
I don't run outside, honestly. Sometimes I go out around my house, but mainly it's the stupid treadmill. I wish I had a better answer, but I'm very businesslike about my runs.
Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.
I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.
What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.
Oh, and once, when I was in the Marines, I got a perfect score on my physical fitness test.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.
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