Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.
Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.
In the dark times, if you have something to hold on to, which is yourself, you'll survive.
Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.
I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
I support anyone's right to be who they want to be. My question is: to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
It's a sign of mediocrity when you demonstrate gratitude with moderation.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart.
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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