Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
There must be more to life than having everything.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
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