Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
A mother is the best friend God ever gave.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.
If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.
Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
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