Comedian Quotes - Page 5

• Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

  Ray Romano

  Funny, Fathers Day, Children

  67 Copy quote

• I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Kids, People, Done

  "Redbook" Magazine, January 2006.

  7 Copy quote

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• If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.

  Stephen Fry

  Inspirational, Friendship, Sympathy

  153 Copy quote
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  No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

  Robin Williams

  Inspirational, Change, Philosophy

  "Robin Williams: Genie in the Lamp" by Alex Kip, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 14, 2014.

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• We should never judge a day by its weather.

  Dick Van Dyke

  Inspirational, Weather, Judging

  67 Copy quote

• I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

  Doug Stanhope

  Depression, Unique, Doctors

  101 Copy quote

• A man only learns by two things; one is reading and the other is association with smarter people.

  Will Rogers

  Smart, Book, Communication

  "The Will Rogers Book".

  111 Copy quote

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• I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Witty, Baby

  "The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said"by R. Byrne, (p. 94), 2003.

  61 Copy quote

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• You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

  Jon Stewart

  Respect, Country, Regret

  "Jon Stewart To Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade: ‘F—k You’" by Catherine Taibi, www.huffingtonpost.com. December 9, 2014.

  361 Copy quote

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• Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be.

  Fanny Brice

  Inspirational, Being Yourself, Self Esteem

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  190 Copy quote

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• Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

  Pat Paulsen

  Rights, Law, Knowing

  62 Copy quote

• Keep laughing. As long as you’re laughing you still have hope.

  Moe Howard

  Inspirational, Hope, Laughter

  74 Copy quote
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  I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy
  because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless
  and they don't want anyone else to feel like that.

  Robin Williams

  Inspirational, Change, Happiness

  210 Copy quote

• They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

  Bill Hicks

  Life, Smoking, Quitting

  "Dark Poet". Stand-up show, 1991.

  43 Copy quote

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• In the dark times, if you have something to hold on to, which is yourself, you'll survive.

  Whoopi Goldberg

  Inspirational, Encouraging, Uplifting

  "Happy 60th Birthday, Whoopi Goldberg! Our Favorite Quotes From The Actress" by Jeryl Brunner, www.huffingtonpost.com. November 14, 2015.

  128 Copy quote

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• Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.

  Louis C. K.

  Editors, Feelings, Feeling Lost

  18 Copy quote

• Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.

  Buster Keaton

  Funny, Humorous, Long

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  86 Copy quote

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• What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Death, Happens

  40 Copy quote

• People have been telling me I'm a failure and that I'm doing it all wrong for 20 years now. Never trust anybody when they tell you how your story goes. You know your story. You write your own story.

  Kevin Smith

  Life, Trust, Failure

  15 Copy quote

• You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Sarcastic, Education, Religious

  13 Copy quote

• When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

  Louis C. K.

  Broken Heart, Hurt, Pain

  "Fictional character: Louie". "Louie/ Cop Story", www.imdb.com. 2015.

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• It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.

  Jon Stewart

  Zoos, Stupid, Mad

  61 Copy quote

• Steven Alan Green is ONE funny writer ---- Everything I read of yours makes me laugh and think - Not just the kind words about meBut the insights you have for the Comedy racket.You're Barbara Hershey, we are beaches.

  Taylor Negron

  Beach, Laughter, Thinking

  44 Copy quote

• I don't think I was awake for much of my childhood. I did a lot of napping. This might have been a defensive measure against encroaching depression. Until about the age of eleven or twelve, I had zero interests other than trying to steal gumballs from supermarket gumball machines.

  Michael Ian Black

  Depression, Zero, Thinking

  "Michael Ian Black on Parenting, Pop Culture and His Worst Christmas Present Ever". Interview with Sarah Thyre, www.huffingtonpost.com. March 16, 2012.

  129 Copy quote

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  People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Life, Country

  29 Copy quote