Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.
I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.
I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.
The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.
Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.'
Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'
We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.
I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics. Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!
We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go.
If elected, I will win.
I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.
If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?
In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.
Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.
It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.
I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.
On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.
I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off.
Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon.
It is true that all of the current presidential candidates once denied that they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, doesn't make me a candidate.
I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends