Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.
I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.
I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.
I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics. Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.
Now that my wine has been served in the White House, why not me? Who could talk to farmers better than I? Somebody even asked me the other day if I had anything in my platform about taxes. 'Hell yes,' I said. 'Great state. But I wouldn't want to live there.'
Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'
The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.
If elected, I will win.
We've got to step up our conservation efforts before it's too late. We're not protecting our lands and natural resources. Take the Grand Canyon for example; I'm sure that at one time it was a beautiful piece of land, and just look at the way we've let it go.
A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?
Many of you have asked why it's taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I'm going to reach in and grab a woman!
Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.
I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.
In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.
If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?
I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.
It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.
People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'
Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.
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