I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.
Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.
Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.
Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?
Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I'm breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That's what gives me the strength to break the club.
A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it's also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.
Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.
It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.
Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
I tell jokes to pay my green fees.
He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.
On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.
Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.
If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.
I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.
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