Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.
The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
I see little hope for democracy as an effective form of government, but I admire the poetry of how it makes its victims complicit in their own destruction.
I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.
You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.
Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food, and few things in the world are more wearying than a sarcastic attitude towards life.
Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.
Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Nature wishes that woman should attract man, yet she often cunningly moulds into her face a little sarcasm, which seems to say, 'Yes, I am willing to attract, but to attract a little better kind of a man than any I yet behold
Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Nothing sharpens the arrow of sarcasm so keenly as the courtesy that polishes it; no reproach is like that we clothe with a smile and present with a bow.
An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.
Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck.
I'm a silly guy, I love wit and cynicism and sarcasm.
Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.
Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.
Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.
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