A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.
If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
Method acting? There are quite a few methods. Mine involves a lot of talent, a glass, and some cracked ice.
I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.
The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.
You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
A man must pay the fiddler. In my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra often had to be subsidized.
When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.
My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.
Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.
You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float.
Dying is the last thing I will ever do.
I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.
My head is buried in the sands of tomorrow, while my tail feathers are singed by the hot sun of today.
In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.
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