The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
They misunderestimated me.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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