After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
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