Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Man has his will, but woman has her way.
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
If you must make a noise, make it quietly.
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.
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