If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
We have federal regulations and state laws that prohibit hunting ducks with more than three rounds. And yet it's legal to hunt humans with 15-round, 30-round, even 150-round magazines.
Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
When people ask me what 'American Pie' means, I tell them it means I don't ever have to work again if I don't want to.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
All of us contain Music & Truth, but most of us can't get it out.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
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