Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Thirty millions, mostly fools.
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
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