We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can't afford a yes man.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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