Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Love is just a word, but you bring it definition.
Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
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