If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson
It's more important for a photographer to have very good shoes, than to have a very good camera
I hate women because they always know where things are.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
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