Funny Quotes - Page 14

• The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

  Sid Caesar

  Stories, Dull, Trouble

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought

  Robert Breault

  Life, Witty, Clever

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• As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

  Dick Cavett

  Inspirational, Business, Humorous

  Playboy Interview. Vol. 18, no. 3, p. 70, March 1971.

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• The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

  Bertrand Russell

  Inspirational, Patience, Witty

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• Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Life, Crazy, Doctors

  Benjamin Franklin (2012). “Wit and Wisdom from Poor Richard's Almanack”, p.27, Courier Corporation

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• Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.
  I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
  If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
  I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
  Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Beautiful, Sex

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• Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

  Doug Larson

  Business, Humorous, Mean

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• Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

  Oscar Levant

  Humorous, Flower, Bed Of Roses

  "Fictional character: Jerry Sunborne". "Things We Lost in the Fire", www.imdb.com. 2007.

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• An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head.

  Eric Hoffer

  Inspirational, Education, Science

  "Reflections on the Human Condition" by Eric Hoffer, (Section 49), 1973.

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  Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

  Albert Einstein

  Life, Cute, Romantic

  Albert Einstein (2010). “The Ultimate Quotable Einstein”, p.482, Princeton University Press

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• Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Witty, Children

  "Complaints and Grievances". Documentary, Comedy, 2001.

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• Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

  Robert Bloch

  Hilarious, Humor, Feelings

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• Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

  Ronald Reagan

  Veterans Day, Military, Reading

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Jobs, Truth, Business

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• If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

  Scott Adams

  Smart, Stupid, Humor

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• Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

  Douglas Adams

  Witty, Fear, Airplane

  Douglas Adams (2012). “The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Radio Scripts Volume 2: The Tertiary, Quandary and Quintessential Phases”, p.83, Pan Macmillan

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• I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Leadership, Courage

  Attributed in Reader's Digest, Apr. 1934. A similar remark, attributed to an anonymous octogenarian, appears in the Washington Post, 11 Sept. 1910. See Jefferson 42

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• If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

  W. C. Fields

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

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• Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Witty, Laughter

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• Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

  W. C. Fields

  Horse, Crazy, Silly

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• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Witty, Humorous, Media

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  Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

  Mae West

  Relationship, Sexy, Humorous

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

  Laurence J. Peter

  Witty, Revenge, Laughter

  Laurence J. Peter (1979). “Peter's people”, W. Morrow

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• If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Humorous, Inspiration

  Quoted in Manly (Australia) Daily, 30 Mar. 2004

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• Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

  Will Rogers

  Life, Wisdom, Witty

  Letter in New York Times 29 Apr. 1930

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