David Letterman Quotes

Quotes about:

• America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

  David Letterman

  Inspirational, Country, Witty

  38 Copy quote

• Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.

  David Letterman

  Use, Bedroom

  4 Copy quote

• They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

  David Letterman

  Country, Native American, Numbers

  61 Copy quote

• I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.

  David Letterman

  Wall, Two, Iphone

  7 Copy quote

• I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

  David Letterman

  Environmentalist, Recycled, Jokes

  4 Copy quote

• I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

  David Letterman

  Christmas, Running, Shopping

  57 Copy quote

• You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

  David Letterman

  Weed, Memories, Loss

  7 Copy quote

• Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sarcastic, Purpose

  36 Copy quote

• I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

  David Letterman

  Doe, Found, Incapable

  8 Copy quote

• The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

  David Letterman

  Dog, Toilets, Winner

  4 Copy quote

• Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.

  David Letterman

  Feet, Dancing, Dancer

  4 Copy quote

• You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.

  David Letterman

  Nudists, Pants

  28 Copy quote

• The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.

  David Letterman

  4th Of July, Two, Alcohol

  28 Copy quote

• Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.

  David Letterman

  Love You, Gun, Car

  4 Copy quote

• I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

  David Letterman

  Two, Film, Should

  56 Copy quote

• People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

  David Letterman

  Inspirational, Two, People

  19 Copy quote

• There is no off position on the genius switch.

  David Letterman

  Genius, Comedy, Position

  "Late Show with David Letterman", www.imdb.com. 1993 - 2015.

  24 Copy quote

• Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

  David Letterman

  Book, Trying, President

  40 Copy quote

• Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

  David Letterman

  New York, Sorry, Cities

  7 Copy quote

• Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

  David Letterman

  Action, Sometimes, Overdoing It

  7 Copy quote

• I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

  David Letterman

  Central Park, Robins, Sparrows

  16 Copy quote

• Everyday is a compromise.

  David Letterman

  Everyday, Compromise

  4 Copy quote

• The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.

  David Letterman

  War, Japan, World

  20 Copy quote

• The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

  David Letterman

  Children, Catholic, Church

  9 Copy quote

• Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

  David Letterman

  Type 2 Diabetes, Mountain, Dew

  11 Copy quote

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