Honestly, sometimes I get really fed up of my subconscious - it's like it's got a mind of its own.
This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git.
Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space, may have had his charms, but he really couldn't be considered hip.
There's a part of me that still hates everything, and my natural view default setting is still very cynical and dark
A lot of those comics can't hold down relationships and they've got no other life apart from performing. They sleep in their Jags and a lot of them can't even talk. All they can do is tell gags.
Israel is the Jimmy Saville of nation states,
If sitcoms were easy to write, there'd be a lot of good ones, and there aren't.
Most of my friends are women - I quite fancied being a woman in a way.
Dire Straits is a great band. Someone tells you they like ""Brothers in Arms"" and immediately you know they're a stupid annoying git.
Now, as a comic, if you're vaguely amusing you can go straight into TV, then you play the O2 and then everyone's sick of you.
However, my problems with my memory are further complicated by the fact that while I don't have any recollection of things I have actually done, I have very vivid recollections of loads of things that I haven't done.
I always thought communism was crap, really.
As a comic, you try something and if it works you go with it and grind it to death.
But as in all cults, what's central to the Communist Party is the belief system and the elimination of nuance. From there you're very slowly led down the road to fanaticism and mass murder.
I have a lot of nice Italian winter clothes that make me look like a sophisticated Lebanese professor, so my friend Robert and I go around pretending to be experts in Arabic politics. It doesn't work in the summer though. I don't have the right clothes.
I exist as an annexe of the BBC. I'm down the road a bit from the main building, in a little hut.
If I won the lottery I'd start a charity that helped little family hardware stores, cobblers and fruit shops open in city centres.
You can't do comedy with a beard.
Everyone I used to work with is still alive and can afford expensive lawyers.
I feel sorry for many politicians we expect them to be completely consistent and moralised when we're not.
Most of the Communists I knew were nice people.
I've been going to Granada for many years and 12 years ago bought a house a few miles outside the city.
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