Honestly, sometimes I get really fed up of my subconscious - it's like it's got a mind of its own.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?
If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'
There's a part of me that still hates everything, and my natural view default setting is still very cynical and dark
Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space, may have had his charms, but he really couldn't be considered hip.
Israel is the Jimmy Saville of nation states,
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git.
If sitcoms were easy to write, there'd be a lot of good ones, and there aren't.
A lot of those comics can't hold down relationships and they've got no other life apart from performing. They sleep in their Jags and a lot of them can't even talk. All they can do is tell gags.
I exist as an annexe of the BBC. I'm down the road a bit from the main building, in a little hut.
Even a blind dog can find a bone every so often.
I'm sure a psychologist would see something highly significant in how absent-minded I am. I mean I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached to my neck by muscles, ligaments and my esophagus.
I did six series for the BBC and that was enough. I've been writing for ten years, which is more challenging artistically.
If someone starts agreeing with me, I don't like it. Out of pique, I become something else.
Most of my friends are women - I quite fancied being a woman in a way.
Dire Straits is a great band. Someone tells you they like ""Brothers in Arms"" and immediately you know they're a stupid annoying git.
First off, I have to mention what is undoubtedly the greatest phenomenon of the modern era: All You Can Eat Buffets.
It seems easier to make a career out of comedy now than it was in the 1980s.
As a comic, you try something and if it works you go with it and grind it to death.
For me, the showbiz memoir is uninteresting - you want to tell people something they don't know about.
Everyone I used to work with is still alive and can afford expensive lawyers.
You can't do comedy with a beard.
If I won the lottery I'd start a charity that helped little family hardware stores, cobblers and fruit shops open in city centres.
I always thought communism was crap, really.
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