It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me.
My mother said to me, 'Why do you have to call yourself a dyke? Why can't you be a nice lesbian?' 'Because I'm not a nice lesbian, I'm a big dyke.'
As a standup, I try to change the world. As an entertainer, I try to entertain. And as a lesbian, I try to pick up the prettiest girl in the room.
It's really not enough to just have black women. A really good idea could be to comment on how they are treated by society.
No one has the responsibility to be out to anyone but himself or herself. I made my choice a million years ago.
What do you mean you don't believe in homosexuality? It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary.
A woman will allow herself to be clouded by her emotions. Her reasonable thought becomes completely unreasonable over the most ridiculous thing. It's a girl thing.
Guns don't kill, people do.
They are preserving the sanctity of marriage, so that two gay men who've been together for twenty-five years can't get married, but a guy can still get drunk in Vegas and marry a hooker at the Elvis chapel! The sanctity of marriage is saved!
Learn all the rules... then break them.
It's not that I don't like penises. I just don't like them on men.
Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works.
Because I'm not a nice lesbian, I'm a big dyke!
My idea as far as comedy goes has always been to push the limits of what's acceptable for a woman to do or say or be. My hero in that would be Lenny Bruce, who teaches us that words have no meaning. It's the intent behind them that is what's important.
Never point at anything beige and call it cool.
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