I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.
You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.
It's lovely being a parent and being in a strong marriage with somebody who is your best friend.
Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.
Health-wise, I couldn't have said what my life expectancy would've been if I'd just carried on doing solid blocks of stand-up.
Class still matters in Britain today.
The cheese board is my big treat at Christmas that I have to deny myself during the rest of year.
Never try to be witty with U.S. airport officials. It's always lost on them and you'll find yourself being put back on the plane.
My first holiday to San Francisco in 1998-99 was supposed to be a two-week vacation but I ended up staying five weeks and nearly didn't come home.
I am a big fan of smelly cheeses but the rest of the family don't seem to be particularly keen on them.
I avoid any kind of organised trips as that's one of my bugbears.
Writing a book about yourself is like therapy, and you go 'Oh My God, that's the reason that happened.' Writing about it, you're forced to really examine things.
Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.
There have been times I've finished a big job and thought, 'Great, a couple of weeks off.' But then a couple of weeks turns to three weeks and then after a month you're staring at the phone willing it to ring.
For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason.
We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves.
I'm loath to use my personal life to promote what I do, but at the same time, I don't like a journalist going away with no more than you could get off Wikipedia, where most of it's invented anyway.
Oh, I'm terrible at travel.
When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.
There is something more spiritual to us than what we are on this earth, but how you access it I'm not sure.
There's a domino effect with certain things you say.
You always hear people saying, 'I hope I'm not turning into my dad', but I'd be honoured if I became half as decent a bloke as he is.
I think I'm realising more and more that I've got a job to do and I can't be doing the big nights out and working to my full potential the next day. I feel much better for it.
I struggle as a writer, and I'm convinced that if I was at school now, I'd be termed as having ADS. Two minutes and I'm drifting.
I sang 'American Pie' a lot in my stage set. It had a knack of uniting an audience in a sing-along. It's a clever song about American history but wrapped in a fantastic tune.
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