It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.
I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.
Being 'Johnny' was almost like an out of body experience. I thought he was just a character that I'd created and could quite easily step away from, but it was much more difficult than that.
I believe that Britain is becoming more class-conscious, and I quake at the very idea of Old Etonians ruling the world again.
If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it.
I've spent lots of time in London, I studied in London, I like London. It's just not my home.
Up North you are holding your own. Everyone considers themselves a comedian.
I've got little ankles and a bit of a belly, so it makes me look rather an egg on legs.
I actually enjoy being heckled; it keeps it interesting, and I think it is a nice feeling for people once they have left the show.
With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.
You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow 'cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led.
I think it sort of dawns on you that if you're not gigging constantly you're not actually relevant. You may be relevant to a different part of the media now, to television commissioners and editors, but to a young live-comedy audience you're not, really.
It's lovely being a parent and being in a strong marriage with somebody who is your best friend.
I was loved as a kid; I was raised with more love and emotional support than most folks could wish for my memories aged nought to ten are all bound up together in a mesh of innocence and fun.
Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.
I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.
You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.
I had a massive amount of self-belief when I did stand-up.
My agent once said, 'You're not very driven.' And it's true. I'm not the type to ring up and go, 'Get me this part!'
Class still matters in Britain today.
My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.
Never try to be witty with U.S. airport officials. It's always lost on them and you'll find yourself being put back on the plane.
The cheese board is my big treat at Christmas that I have to deny myself during the rest of year.
Health-wise, I couldn't have said what my life expectancy would've been if I'd just carried on doing solid blocks of stand-up.
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