Esther Perel Quotes - Page 4

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• I say no to a double standard that men can roam and women must stay put at home. I say no to the fact that men are allowed to claim their sexuality and women just have to pretend that it doesn't matter to them. It's resisting poor relational arrangements. An affair is a way of saying, "No. I'm not playing by the rules." And sometimes betrayal is part of that because you deceive somebody else but you feel like you are, for the first time, being honest with yourself. Sometimes when people have affairs, they feel like they have been lying to themselves for years.

  Esther Perel

  Betrayal, Lying, Home

  "The Deeper Reasons Why People Have Affairs". Interview with Mark Matousek, www.psychologytoday.com. October 20, 2017.

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• Today, monogamy is one person at a time.

  Esther Perel

  Today, Monogamy, Persons

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• As a teenager growing up in Europe, I embraced the romantic ideal. For me, I had to give up the ideal that one person would be there for everything. Once you give up that ideal, then you begin to accept the person that you are with - the person who won't be able to give you everything and who won't be able to know exactly what you want and feel without you even needing to say it.

  Esther Perel

  Growing Up, Giving Up, Teenager

  Source: wbur.org

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• Everyone should cultivate a secret garden.

  Esther Perel

  Garden, Secret, Secret Garden

  Twitter post from Sep 20, 2014

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• I have more than thirty thousand hours of family and relationship counseling experience under my belt. Over the years, I have seen changes in relationship trends walk through my therapy office doors. My richest gifts are translating the complexities of love and desire in modern relationships into something simple and accessible. I can offer informed advice that makes people feel comfortable, knowledgeable, and confident.

  Esther Perel

  Simple, Years, Doors

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• We used to moralize; today we normalize, and performance anxiety is the secular version of our old religious guilt.

  Esther Perel

  Religious, Anxiety, Guilt

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• But when we reduce sex to a function, we also invoke the idea of dysfunction. We are no longer talking about the art of sex; rather, we are talking about the mechanics of sex. Science has replaced religion as the authority; and science is a more formidable arbiter. Medicine knows how to scare even those who scoff at religion. Compared with a diagnosis, what's a mere sin? We used to moralize; today we normalize, and performance anxiety is the secular version of our old religious guilt.

  Esther Perel

  Religious, Art, Sex

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• The meaning of secrecy is very different when the model of love is one of transparency. So to understand the politics of secrecy and revelation, you need to understand the larger culture in which the couple lives and also the culture of the couple itself. What does intimacy mean to them? Where does the couple draw the line between togetherness and separateness? That's what informs you. You always ask, "What would happen if I tell? What would happen if I don't tell?" Sometimes, the partner doesn't want to know.

  Esther Perel

  Couple, Mean, Love Is

  Source: wbur.org

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• Modern infidelity is different than traditional infidelity and sits on top of the romantic ideal that you find "the one" and that if you have everything that you need at home, you have no reason to go looking elsewhere. And if you have an affair, it's a symptom of a flawed relationship. If you don't apply the deficiency model to the relationship, then you apply it to the person. The person who strays is selfish, immature, addicted suffers from insecure attachment. And the person who doesn't stray is the committed partner: mature, stable, and non-selfish.

  Esther Perel

  Selfish, Home, Insecure

  "The Deeper Reasons Why People Have Affairs". Interview with Mark Matousek, www.psychologytoday.com. October 20, 2017.

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• Most affairs do die a natural death. Today, you look at your partner's phone to find out the weather, and you find out about a lover. It has never been as easy to cheat as it is today, and it has never been harder to keep a secret.

  Esther Perel

  Secret, Today, Lovers

  Source: wbur.org

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