Zach Galifianakis Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

• I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Growing Up, Humor

• I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Dream, Moving

  "Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

• At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  "Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

• My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Girlfriend, Couple

• I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Wonder

• I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Hammocks

• Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Hate, Humor

• My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Father, Humor

• I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

• Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Teacher, Sex

• I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Girl, Humor

• I call my balls the bush twins.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Balls

  "Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

• The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Tattoo, Humor

• Hookers don't like to snuggle.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor

• I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Wigs

  "Zach Galifianakis: Soon You Will Be Laughing at This Man". Interview with Peter Martin, www.esquire.com. June 2, 2009.

• My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Brother, Humor

• Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Race

• I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Reality

• Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Acne

• You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Gay

• Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Crazy, Humor

• You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Fit

• Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Finding Yourself

• When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

  Zach Galifianakis

  Funny, Humor, Looks

  "Zach Galifianakis: Live at the Purple Onion". Documentary, Comedy, video, 2006.

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