Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things.
An educated person is one who has learned that information almost always turns out to be at best incomplete and very often false, misleading, fictitious, mendacious - just dead wrong.
The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn't require any.
The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.
Listen once in a while. It's amazing what you can hear.
Happiness is a small and unworthy goal for something as big and fancy as a whole lifetime, and should be taken in small doses.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Life is always walking up to us and saying, "Come on in, the living's fine," and what do we do? Back off and take its picture.
Grass is the least rewarding of all status symbols... The grass does nothing but drink money, exhaust energies, crush spirits, destroy sleep, create tensions and interfere with the watching of baseball games, and sprout insolent signs ordering humans to keep off it.
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
Children rarely want to know who their parents were before they were parents, and when age finally stirs their curiosity, there is no parent left to tell them.
When you're the only pea in the pod, your parents are likely to get you confused with the Hope diamond.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
The worst thing about the miracle of modern communications is the Pavlovian pressure it places upon everyone to communicate whenever a bell rings.
Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.
A railroad station? That was sort of a primitive airport, only you didn't have to take a cab 20 miles out of town to reach it.
It seems to be a law in American life that whatever enriches us anywhere except in the wallet inevitably becomes uneconomic.
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
In writing, punctuation plays the role of body language. It helps readers hear you the way you want to be heard.
Americans like fat books and thin women.
The biographer's problem is that he never knows enough. The autobiographer's problem is that he knows too much.
What the New Yorker calls home would seem like a couple of closets to most Americans, yet he manages not only to live there but also to grow trees and cockroaches right on the premises.
A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.
The best advice I can give anybody about going out into the world is this: Don't do it. I have been out there. It is a mess....
The Government cannot afford to have a country made up entirely of rich people, because rich people pay so little tax that the Government would quickly go bankrupt. This is why Government men always tell us that labor is man's noblest calling. Government needs labor to pay its upkeep.
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