Hemorrhoids Quotes

• Awards are like hemorrhoids. Sooner or later every asshole gets one.

  Francois Ozon

  Writing, Awards, Sooner Or Later

  "Swimming Pool". www.imdb.com. 2003.

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• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids

  George Carlin

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• I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware of it. You don't need a sign to tell anybody about it.

  Larry the Cable Guy

  Doctors, Office, Needs

  "Hannity" with Sean Hannity, www.foxnews.com. June 15, 2011.

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• I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Sitting, World, Top Of The World

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• Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

  Robert Schimmel

  Would Be, Way, Asteroids

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• The one who swallows cactuses with spines should not complain about hemorrhoids.

  Etgar Keret

  Complaining, Should, Spine

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• Sir, this lane is for ten items or less. I’m counting thirteen items in your cart, including that hemorrhoid cream. And while hemorrhoids might give you a reason to be nasty, they don’t give you a reason to be in this lane.

  J.A. Konrath

  Giving, Might, Nasty

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• One poll showed that Americans have a higher opinion of witches, the IRS and hemorrhoids than Congress

  Tom Coburn

  Irs, Opinion, Witch

  "Sen. Tom Coburn: A proud contrarian". "60 minutes" with Lesley Stahl, www.cbsnews.com. December 21, 2014.

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• You must be Pain in the Nick.” – Dev “Huh?” – Nick “Don’t wet your pets. Just a figure of speech. Your mom’s been talking about you all day, boy. You are her favorite topic.” – Dev “Well, I try hard not to be her favorite hemorrhoid.” – Nick

  Sherrilyn Kenyon

  Mom, Pain, Boys

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• I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it? And what slogan is apropos? Perhaps that slogan can be sewn in needlepoint around the ruffle on a cover for my embarrassing little doughnut buttocks pillow.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Color, Ruffles, Doe

  P.J. O'Rourke (2011). “Holidays in Heck”, p.145, Atlantic Books Ltd

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• Question the Chestnuts. Chestnuts: the new name for boobs? No. NO. Why would you even say that? Get your mind out of the gutter. No, by "chestnuts" I mean, "those old pieces of writing advice that you hear as common refrain." 'Write what you know.' 'Adverbs give Baby Jesus hemorrhoids.' 'If you write a prologue, an orphan loses his sight.' All the "old saws" need to be put on the chopping block.

  Chuck Wendig

  Baby, Jesus, Block

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• The other thing that's useful for me is this notion of the absolute versus the relative:if we walk out and it's a beautiful morning, it's only a beautiful morning because we don't have a broken leg or hemorrhoids or something.

  George Saunders

  Beautiful, Morning, Broken

  Source: www.interviewmagazine.com

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• When I first started out, I was considered a crackpot. The doctors used to say, "Don't go to that Jack LaLanne, you'll get hemorrhoids, you won't get an erection, you women will look like men, you athletes will get muscle-bound -- this is what I had to go through.

  Jack LaLanne

  Athlete, Men, Doctors

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• The movies are celluloid hemorrhoids. No, worse: They're celluloid Bon Jovi.

  Kyle Smith

  Bon Jovi, Celluloid

  "Hilarious crime comedy 'Pain & Gain' is 'GoodFellas' on steroids" by Kyle Smith, nypost.com. April 25, 2013.

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