David Sedaris Quotes - Page 4

Quotes about:

• Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren't.

  David Sedaris

  Sex, Writing, Class

  7 Copy quote

• I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.

  David Sedaris

  Machines, Noise, Laundry

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• If you are any kind of an artist, then validation . . . can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway.

  David Sedaris

  Artist, Validation, Kind

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• They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting.

  David Sedaris

  Believe, Mean, Should Have

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• Now, I like a church service, but this was one of those write-your-own-vows sorts of things. Neither of them had ever picked up a pen in their life, but all of a sudden they’re poets, right, like that’s all it takes — being in love.

  David Sedaris

  Being In Love, Poet

  "Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk". Book by David Sedaris, September 28, 2010.

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• My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.

  David Sedaris

  Feet, Want, Thanks

  "The 50 Funniest American Writers: An Anthology of Humor from Mark Twain to The Onion". Book by Andy Borowitz, 2011.

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• It hardly seemed fair, because, unlike a horse or a Seeing Eye dog, the whole glory of being a bird is that nobody would ever put you to work.

  David Sedaris

  Dog, Horse, Eye

  David Sedaris (2000). “Me talk pretty one day”

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• The word 'phobic' has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing.

  David Sedaris

  Hate, Community, Hatred

  David Sedaris (2000). “Me talk pretty one day”

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• It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.

  David Sedaris

  Hurt, Mouths, Speak

  David Sedaris (1998). “The Santaland Diaries ; And, Season's Greetings”, p.15, Dramatists Play Service Inc

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• Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation. People stand in line for two houres and they go over the edge.

  David Sedaris

  Two, People, Worry

  David Sedaris (2009). “Holidays on Ice”, p.27, Hachette UK

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• ..she took pictures of germs, viruses, and people reacting to germs and viruses. On weekends, for extra money, she photographed weddings, which really wasn't that much of a stretch

  David Sedaris

  Weekend, People, Viruses

  "Dress Your Family In Corduroy And Denim". Book by David Sedaris, books.google.ru. September 16, 2010.

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• My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a typewriter and I whited out a line, often I would choose a word to go in the space just because it fit. Now I don't have to do that.

  David Sedaris

  Typewriters, Years, Space

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• I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.

  David Sedaris

  Inanimate Objects, Fool, Ridiculous

  David Sedaris (2000). “Me talk pretty one day”

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• Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That said, is it crazier to repeatedly throw yourself against a window, or to repeatedly open that window, believing the creatures that are throwing themselves against it might come into your house, take a look around, and leave with no hard feelings?

  David Sedaris

  Believe, House, Insanity

  "The Birds". www.newyorker.com. January 29, 2007.

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• In books and movies infidelity always looks so compelling, so right. Here are people who defy petty convention and are rewarded with only the tastiest bits of human experience.

  David Sedaris

  Book, People, Infidelity

  David Sedaris (2010). “When You Are Engulfed In Flames”, p.139, Hachette UK

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• No one reads to hear someone complain about the weather or how poorly their children are behaving. You have to give the readers a reason to turn the page. As a writer you have to invite someone to turn the page. And that is a skill you have to refine. That is why you have to read. You have to read to learn what it is that makes people turn the page.

  David Sedaris

  Children, People, Giving

  Source: therumpus.net

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• We're not unique in our family. We're more ambitious but we're not special. I'm not funnier than anyone else in my family; it's just that we wanted more than Raleigh, North Carolina, had to offer. If my brother wanted more than Raleigh had to offer, you would know his name. My sister Lisa has a really unique and different voice, but she doesn't want that. She's a fine writer, but never said, "I want a book. I want that kind of attention."

  David Sedaris

  Brother, Book, Unique

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• Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer. Ions might charge the air but they fell flat when it came to charging the imagination - my imagination, anyway.

  David Sedaris

  Air, Ions, Imagination

  David Sedaris (2000). “Me talk pretty one day”

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• You know, when you need drugs and you don't have a lot of money, what you'll do is you'll hang out with people who will give you drugs. Right?

  David Sedaris

  People, Giving, Drug

  "David Sedaris On The Life-Altering And Mundane Pages Of His Old Diaries". "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross, www.npr.org. May 31, 2017.

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• But most good movies have a gun in them.

  David Sedaris

  Gun, Good Movie

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• Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.

  David Sedaris

  Good Luck, Luck, Firsts

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• As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.

  David Sedaris

  Travel, London, Foreigners

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• For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that resemble disfigured celebrities, and most of all, he saves food. Cherry tomatoes, sausage biscuits, the olives plucked from other people's martinis --he hides these things in strange places until they are rotten. And then he eats them.

  David Sedaris

  Father, Food, Strange Places

  David Sedaris (2000). “Me talk pretty one day”

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• A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

  David Sedaris

  Zoos, People, Looks

  David Sedaris (2010). “When You Are Engulfed In Flames”, p.15, Hachette UK

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• I'm glad that I didn't have the Internet when I started writing. I started writing when I was 20 and didn't show a word of it to anyone until I was 28. I had the sense to keep it to myself. Now the temptation with blogs and such, they're just getting it out there; maybe it would have been best to keep it to themselves.

  David Sedaris

  Writing, Temptation, Internet

  5 Copy quote

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