David Sedaris Quotes - Page 10

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• The good thing about being gay, though, I always believed, is that you didn't make anyone go to a wedding. Nobody wants to go to a wedding. Nobody. It kind of bothers me now that you have to go to gay weddings, too. I don't care. It's still a wedding. And I would give anybody double gifts if they would elope.

  David Sedaris

  Gay, Giving, Care

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• I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

  David Sedaris

  Funny, Animal, Thinking

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• I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.

  David Sedaris

  Morning, Writing, Winning

  "Ask the Author Live: David Sedaris". Interview, www.newyorker.com. August 14, 2009.

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• Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertaining, but you can't get beyond the sad fact that this person actually thinks he bringing some joy into your life. Somewhere he had a mother who sifted through a shoe box of mimeographed playbills, pouring herself another drink and wondering when her son would come to his senses and swallow some drain cleaner.

  David Sedaris

  Mother, Son, Thinking

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• I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

  David Sedaris

  Empty Life, People, Littles

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• When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had nothing to talk about. She forgot the definition of "jazz" as well and came to think of it as every beautiful thing she had ever failed to appreciate: the taste of warm rain; the smell of a baby; the din of a swollen river, rushing past her tree and onward to infinity.

  David Sedaris

  Beautiful, Baby, Rain

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• College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking.

  David Sedaris

  Father, Drinking, College

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• There’s a lot I don’t tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldn’t understand that she has no interest in getting married and was, in fact, quite happy to break up with her live-in boyfriend, whom she replaced with an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. The last time she was asked out by a successful bachelor, Amy hesitated before saying, ‘Thanks for asking, but I’m really not into white guys right now.

  David Sedaris

  Father, Successful, White

  David Sedaris (2000). “Me talk pretty one day”

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• They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of fame is the loss of privacy.

  David Sedaris

  Funny, Loss, Privacy

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• Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, somehow more civilized, and nicer to look at.

  David Sedaris

  Weed, Squirrels, Looks

  "This Old House" by David Sedaris, www.newyorker.com. July 9, 2007.

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• Such movies are always a danger...falling in love is something most adults have actually experienced...The theme is universal and encourages...unhealthy comparisons...why can't our lives be like that? It's a box left unopened, and its avoidance explains the continued popularity of vampire epics and martial-arts extravaganzas.

  David Sedaris

  Falling In Love, Art, Epic

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• Sallie Mae sounds like a naive and barefoot hillbilly girl but in fact they are a ruthless and aggressive conglomeration of bullies located in a tall brick building somewhere in Kansas. I picture it to be the tallest building in that state and I have decided they hire their employees straight out of prison.

  David Sedaris

  Girl, Kansas, Bully

  "Saddled with student debt? Welcome to America's screwed generation" by Natalia Antonova, www.theguardian.com. August 1, 2012.

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• I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable. This was one of the things you were supposed to learn simply by being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys did not understand it.

  David Sedaris

  Halloween, People, Asking

  "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim". Book by David Sedaris, 2005.

  6 Copy quote

• The things I've bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.

  David Sedaris

  Dark, Hair, Curls

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• whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.

  David Sedaris

  Moving, Excellence, Diaries

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• In New York I'd go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I've upped it to six or seven, mainly because I'm too lazy to do anything else. Fortunately, going to the movies seems to suddenly qualify as an intellectual accomplishment, on a par with reading a book or devoting time to serious thought. It's not that the movies have gotten any more strenuous, it's just that a lot of people are as lazy as I am, and together we've agreed to lower the bar.

  David Sedaris

  New York, Book, Reading

  David Sedaris (2000). “Me talk pretty one day”

  4 Copy quote

• I am a person who feels guilty for crimes I have not committed, or have not committed in years. The police search the train station for a serial rapist and I cover my face with a newspaper, wondering if maybe I did it in my sleep. The last thing I stole was an eight-track tape, but to this day I'm unable to enter a store without feeling like a shoplifter. It's all the anxiety with none of the free stuff.

  David Sedaris

  Sleep, Eight, Years

  "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim". Book by David Sedaris, June 1, 2004.

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• Of course, the diary helps me as well. 'That wasn't your position on July 7, 1991,' I'll remind Hugh an hour after we've had a fight. I'd have loved to rebut him sooner, but it takes awhile to look these things up.

  David Sedaris

  Fighting, July, Diaries

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• In the Netherlands now, I imagine it's legal to marry your own children. Get them pregnant, and you can abort your unborn grandbabies in a free clinic that used to be a church.

  David Sedaris

  Children, Church, Netherlands

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• In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, "Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl."

  David Sedaris

  Girl, Lying, Cutting

  "Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls". Book by David Sedaris, April 23, 2013.

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• Neighbors would pass, and when they honked I'd remember that I was in my Speedo. Then I'd wrap my towel like a skirt around my waist and remind my sisters that this was not girlish but Egyptian, thank you very much.

  David Sedaris

  Towels, Skirts, Remember

  "Memory Laps" by David Sedaris, www.newyorker.com. October 24, 2011.

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• In Paris you're always surrounded by French people.

  David Sedaris

  Paris, People

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• I don't write about sex because it's not really my subject. I love it when other people write about it, but it's not my subject, and I don't want anyone I've had sex with to write about it. Plus, you're in front of an audience, and they picture wherever you're writing about. I'm 52; no one in the audience wants to picture that.

  David Sedaris

  Sex, Writing, People

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• At the morgue, people were so desensitized that they would eat lunch in the glass walled room adjacent to the autopsy room. A viewing room. Because it had the best air conditioning in the building. So they would eat in there and maybe somebody would come in who had been found after being dead for three days and they would say: That is the exact purple I want for those drapes in the study. They didn't miss a beat. They could eat through anything.

  David Sedaris

  Air, Purple, Lunch

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• On one tour, I was collecting stories about pet monkeys. You'd be surprised how many people have stories about monkeys. The problem is, most monkey stories end tragically.

  David Sedaris

  People, Pet, Stories

  Interview with Eric Spitznagel, www.believermag.com. October 2005.

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