Carol Leifer Quotes

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• I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.

  Carol Leifer

  Mom, Mad, Desire

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• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

  Carol Leifer

  Funny, Pain, Philosophy

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• When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.

  Carol Leifer

  Couple, Six Months, Looks

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• I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

  Carol Leifer

  Reason, Cried

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• All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.

  Carol Leifer

  Men, Decision, Stuff

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• Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.

  Carol Leifer

  Jobs, People, Sick

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• I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.

  Carol Leifer

  Islands, Names, Guy

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• I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.

  Carol Leifer

  Comedy, Undone, Producers

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• Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

  Carol Leifer

  Senior, Retirement, Time Flies

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• They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.

  Carol Leifer

  People, Source, Materials

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• You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.

  Carol Leifer

  Investing, Eating, Fast Food

  "Ten Minutes with Carol Leifer: Comedian suggests investing in Spandex". Interview with Amey Stone, www.aol.com. May 17, 2009.

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• As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

  Carol Leifer

  Rejection, Environment, Worst

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• Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

  Carol Leifer

  Real, Making Love, Buying

  Carol Leifer (2009). “When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror”, p.10, Villard

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• Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.

  Carol Leifer

  Rip, Bucks, Lingerie

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• Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

  Carol Leifer

  Morning, Sex, Funny Marriage

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• Growing up, it was always, 'If you buy kosher meat, they're killed humanely.' But I've seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn't be a part of it anymore.

  Carol Leifer

  Growing Up, Animal, Years

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• Oh, this is fun - went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that's what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn't be naked is naked - didn't make me want to take off my clothes, made me want to take out my contacts.

  Carol Leifer

  Sexy, Beach, Fun

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• My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay.

  Carol Leifer

  Gay, Kind, Late

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• Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.

  Carol Leifer

  Girlfriend, Jobs, Coffee

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• When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.

  Carol Leifer

  Lying, Winning, Age

  "Carol Leifer on auditioning for Larry David, writing for SNL, and more". Interview with Will Harris, tv.avclub.com. April 25, 2014.

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• I recently became vegan because I felt that as a Jewish lesbian, I wasn't part of a small enough minority. So now I'm a Jewish lesbian vegan.

  Carol Leifer

  Minorities, Vegan, Enough

  "Carol Leifer's Jewish Lesbian Testimonial". Youtube video, www.youtube.com. July 15, 2009.

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• Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you - bye!

  Carol Leifer

  Sex, Bisexual, Bye

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• Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.

  Carol Leifer

  Girl, Islands, Long

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• You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't come out for his morning press conferences: 'From now on, I'd like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y'all know my vice president, Dog Chain.

  Carol Leifer

  Dog, Morning, People

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• I'm sorry I didn't have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I'm not participating anymore.

  Carol Leifer

  Sorry, Sleep, Revelations

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