Carol Leifer Quotes

Quotes about:

• I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.

  Carol Leifer

  Mom, Mad, Desire

  45 Copy quote

• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

  Carol Leifer

  Funny, Pain, Philosophy

  13 Copy quote

• Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.

  Carol Leifer

  Girlfriend, Jobs, Coffee

  7 Copy quote

• Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

  Carol Leifer

  Morning, Sex, Funny Marriage

  7 Copy quote

• I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.

  Carol Leifer

  Islands, Names, Guy

  6 Copy quote

• When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.

  Carol Leifer

  Couple, Six Months, Looks

  39 Copy quote

• Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

  Carol Leifer

  Real, Making Love, Buying

  Carol Leifer (2009). “When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror”, p.10, Villard

  5 Copy quote

• Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

  Carol Leifer

  Senior, Retirement, Time Flies

  14 Copy quote

• Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord."

  Carol Leifer

  Funny, Travel, Sitting

  3 Copy quote

• You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.

  Carol Leifer

  Investing, Eating, Fast Food

  "Ten Minutes with Carol Leifer: Comedian suggests investing in Spandex". Interview with Amey Stone, www.aol.com. May 17, 2009.

  10 Copy quote

• As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

  Carol Leifer

  Rejection, Environment, Worst

  51 Copy quote

• They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.

  Carol Leifer

  People, Source, Materials

  6 Copy quote

• All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.

  Carol Leifer

  Men, Decision, Stuff

  6 Copy quote

• I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.

  Carol Leifer

  Should, Perfume, Testers

  3 Copy quote

• When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.

  Carol Leifer

  Lying, Winning, Age

  "Carol Leifer on auditioning for Larry David, writing for SNL, and more". Interview with Will Harris, tv.avclub.com. April 25, 2014.

  3 Copy quote

• I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.

  Carol Leifer

  Light, White, People

  11 Copy quote

• I'm sorry I didn't have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I'm not participating anymore.

  Carol Leifer

  Sorry, Sleep, Revelations

  3 Copy quote

• I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

  Carol Leifer

  Reason, Cried

  3 Copy quote

• Oh, this is fun - went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that's what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn't be naked is naked - didn't make me want to take off my clothes, made me want to take out my contacts.

  Carol Leifer

  Sexy, Beach, Fun

  3 Copy quote

• Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.

  Carol Leifer

  Rip, Bucks, Lingerie

  6 Copy quote

• Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you - bye!

  Carol Leifer

  Sex, Bisexual, Bye

  3 Copy quote

• Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.

  Carol Leifer

  Beautiful, Self, Authentic Self

  6 Copy quote

• My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.

  Carol Leifer

  Falling In Love, Gay, Love Is

  3 Copy quote

• I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.

  Carol Leifer

  Passing On, Cojones, Worthwhile

  "The One Woman You MUST Know About Before Watching the Oscars This Sunday. (Hint: She's Known as the Real "Elaine" on Seinfeld!)" by Jessica Radloff, www.glamour.com. February 24, 2012.

  6 Copy quote

• Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.

  Carol Leifer

  Jobs, People, Sick

  6 Copy quote

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