My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."
I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'
I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!
One question on hospital admittance forms really gets me. "Sex: Male or Female?" Do I want to be in a hospital where they can't tell the difference?
I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?
As a teenager I just wanted to fit in, just to be one of the boys. It was tough. I went to an all black school. I went so far as to have them print my negative in the yearbook. I think it was the black teeth that gave me away.
I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.
I like life. It's something to do.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
Where there's a will there's a dead person.
Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.
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