Tim Allen Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, Humor, Nephew

• My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, Mom, Mother

• Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, Witty, Dating

• Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, Believe, Thinking

  "An interview with Tim Allen". Interview to Laugh Factory Magazine, www.timallen.com. 1994.

• Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, Positive, Liars

  "Land Your Dream Job: High-Performance Techniques to Get Noticed, Get Hired, and Get Ahead". Book by John Middleton, Ken Langdon, and Nikki Cartwright, 2007.

• Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Tim Allen (1996). “I'm Not Really Here”, Hyperion

• Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.

  Tim Allen

  Funny, God, Humorous

  Tim Allen (1996). “I'm Not Really Here”, Hyperion

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