Andy Kindler Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.

  Andy Kindler

  People, House, Watches

  4 Copy quote

• CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

  Andy Kindler

  Cnn, News, Helping

  4 Copy quote

• Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

  Andy Kindler

  Awards, Comedy, Made

  4 Copy quote

• I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

  Andy Kindler

  Wizards, Shows, Convince

  4 Copy quote

• I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.

  Andy Kindler

  Jobs, Character, Acting

  4 Copy quote

• I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

  Andy Kindler

  Believe, Character, Careers

  4 Copy quote

• I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

  Andy Kindler

  Training, Diagnosis, Knows

  4 Copy quote

• I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

  Andy Kindler

  Sorry, Holocaust, Pretending

  4 Copy quote

• Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

  Andy Kindler

  Years, Doe, Comedy

  4 Copy quote

• President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

  Andy Kindler

  Dream, Men, Guy

  4 Copy quote

• My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.

  Andy Kindler

  Running, Fighting, Blow

  4 Copy quote

• I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

  Andy Kindler

  Believe, Book, Comedian

  6 Copy quote

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