Andy Kindler Quotes

Quotes about:

• I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

  Andy Kindler

  Real, Believe, Conspiracy

  4 Copy quote

• George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

  Andy Kindler

  Doe

  7 Copy quote

• You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

  Andy Kindler

  Drinking, Rights, People

  6 Copy quote

• Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

  Andy Kindler

  Sex, Two, Choices

  5 Copy quote

• There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

  Andy Kindler

  People, Genius, Talent

  5 Copy quote

• Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

  Andy Kindler

  Invention

  4 Copy quote

• My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

  Andy Kindler

  Cat, Kevin, Vehicle

  4 Copy quote

• I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

  Andy Kindler

  Cities, Voice, California

  4 Copy quote

• Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.

  Andy Kindler

  Kids, Practice, Bills

  4 Copy quote

• I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

  Andy Kindler

  Confidence, Insecurity, Knows

  4 Copy quote

• Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.

  Andy Kindler

  Believe, Holiday, Years

  5 Copy quote

• Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.

  Andy Kindler

  White, People, Challenges

  4 Copy quote

• My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

  Andy Kindler

  Party, Keys, Wife

  9 Copy quote

• I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.

  Andy Kindler

  Names, Upset, Driving

  4 Copy quote

• Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

  Andy Kindler

  Clean, Felt

  4 Copy quote

• I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

  Andy Kindler

  Nastiness, Tvs

  4 Copy quote

• I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

  Andy Kindler

  Mitzvah, Bars, Done

  4 Copy quote

• I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

  Andy Kindler

  Song, Thinking, Three

  4 Copy quote

• I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? 'My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.' Mission accomplished.

  Andy Kindler

  Sarcastic, Creativity, Class

  4 Copy quote

• Some of my stuff, I realize is just rage.

  Andy Kindler

  Stuff, Realizing, Rage

  4 Copy quote

• Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

  Andy Kindler

  Christian, Jobs, Doctors

  5 Copy quote

• I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

  Andy Kindler

  Couple, Years, Holocaust

  5 Copy quote

• They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.

  Andy Kindler

  War, People, Boots

  4 Copy quote

• Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?

  Andy Kindler

  Talking, People, Fake

  4 Copy quote

• Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

  Andy Kindler

  Milk, Should, Opening

  4 Copy quote

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