Andy Kindler Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

  Andy Kindler

  Wizards, Shows, Convince

  4 Copy quote

• My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.

  Andy Kindler

  Running, Fighting, Blow

  4 Copy quote

• President Obama. He is the man. I've tried the rest, and he is the best. My dream is for him to appoint me to be the Secretary of Humor. My first act will be to make whatever Larry the Cable Guy is doing illegal.

  Andy Kindler

  Dream, Men, Guy

  4 Copy quote

• I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

  Andy Kindler

  Couple, Years, Holocaust

  5 Copy quote

• Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

  Andy Kindler

  Roots, Bait, Watches

  4 Copy quote

• Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

  Andy Kindler

  Bells, Telephones, Firsts

  4 Copy quote

• Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

  Andy Kindler

  Milk, Should, Opening

  4 Copy quote

• BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

  Andy Kindler

  Perseverance, Awards, Graduates

  4 Copy quote

• Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

  Andy Kindler

  Pockets, Months, Hips

  4 Copy quote

• Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.

  Andy Kindler

  Couple, Kevin

  4 Copy quote

• George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

  Andy Kindler

  Eye, Blood, Years

  4 Copy quote

• Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?

  Andy Kindler

  Talking, People, Fake

  4 Copy quote

• Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.

  Andy Kindler

  Car, Guy, Sidekicks

  4 Copy quote

• Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.

  Andy Kindler

  Redneck, Guy, Crackers

  4 Copy quote

• Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

  Andy Kindler

  Years, Doe, Comedy

  4 Copy quote

• I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

  Andy Kindler

  Sorry, Holocaust, Pretending

  4 Copy quote

• Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

  Andy Kindler

  Awards, Comedy, Made

  4 Copy quote

• I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

  Andy Kindler

  People, Guy, Maps

  4 Copy quote

• I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.

  Andy Kindler

  Years, Firsts, Hours

  4 Copy quote

• If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

  Andy Kindler

  Jesus, Believe, Thinking

  4 Copy quote

• The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

  Andy Kindler

  Phones, Guy, Pixar

  4 Copy quote

• I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.

  Andy Kindler

  Doe, Stage, Tracy

  4 Copy quote

• They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.

  Andy Kindler

  War, People, Boots

  4 Copy quote

• Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

  Andy Kindler

  Christian, Jobs, Doctors

  5 Copy quote

• I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

  Andy Kindler

  Summer, Bisexual, Weather

  4 Copy quote

Page 2 of 3

First

← Prev

1

2

3

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin