Andy Kindler Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

  Andy Kindler

  Phones, Guy, Pixar

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• Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

  Andy Kindler

  Roots, Bait, Watches

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• Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.

  Andy Kindler

  Redneck, Guy, Crackers

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• Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.

  Andy Kindler

  Car, Guy, Sidekicks

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• Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?

  Andy Kindler

  Talking, People, Fake

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• George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

  Andy Kindler

  Eye, Blood, Years

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• Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

  Andy Kindler

  Pockets, Months, Hips

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• BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

  Andy Kindler

  Perseverance, Awards, Graduates

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• I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

  Andy Kindler

  Wizards, Shows, Convince

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• I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

  Andy Kindler

  Believe, Book, Comedian

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• CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

  Andy Kindler

  Cnn, News, Helping

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• I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.

  Andy Kindler

  Years, Firsts, Hours

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• I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

  Andy Kindler

  People, Guy, Maps

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• I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.

  Andy Kindler

  Doe, Stage, Tracy

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• Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

  Andy Kindler

  Apology, Guy, Apologizing

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• They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.

  Andy Kindler

  War, People, Boots

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• I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

  Andy Kindler

  Perfect, Machines, Aces

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• Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

  Andy Kindler

  Christian, Jobs, Doctors

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• I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

  Andy Kindler

  Summer, Bisexual, Weather

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• Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.

  Andy Kindler

  Moving, Thinking, Years

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• People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

  Andy Kindler

  Pie, People, Giving

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• If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

  Andy Kindler

  Jesus, Believe, Thinking

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• I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

  Andy Kindler

  Sorry, Holocaust, Pretending

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• Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

  Andy Kindler

  Parks And Rec, Entertainment, Tvs

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• Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.

  Andy Kindler

  Adam, Ifs

  "JFL 42 Presents: Andy Kindler". The Underground Interview, the-underground.ca. September 19, 2013.

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