There's a lot of guys up there who like wearing a suit or try doing jokes that they think will play to a certain crowd, or maybe get them corporate work. I've always written jokes that I would want to hear. So, I'm trying to entertain myself more than anything.
I'm not much of a math and science guy. I spent most of my time in school daydreaming and managed to turn it into a living. When I was making "Star Wars," I wasn't restrained by any kind of science. I simply said, "I'm going to create a world that's fun and interesting, makes sense, and seems to have a reality to it."
I'm a lucky guy. I get to sit around every day and indulge in make believe and get paid for it.
I remember watching Soulja Boy on YouTube over and over again to prepare for it. For the first one, I was up all night in my kitchen, practicing the dance, because I knew I had to dance with Timberlake and that guy can dance.
Bill Gates, who is the classic computer nerd, as opposed to Steve who is, like the coolest guy in the world. And who is really doing things to make the world a better place?
I've been to Washington many times over the years for stories, and it always seems remarkably the same. More the same than the rest of the country. It's almost like they dress the same as they did 20 years ago. The same old guys are sitting outside the same dirty, dingy secret offices in the Capitol that you're not allowed to go in.
I'm a humorist. A guy like Paul Simon just makes my life so much simpler. When I was there, he had a hearing against hate. Steven Spielberg came and testified against hate. Paul Simon said hate was bad. Orrin Hatch was there, and he was against hate too. Everyone was opposed to hate. Is this really a wonderful way to spend our tax dollars, to have these men drone away about how against hate they are?
This was years ago, I think during the early [Ronald] Reagan years. I came up with a plan that everybody just pay $8.95 in taxes. Cheating would be allowed. But the incentive to cheat wouldn't be nearly as great if you only had to pay the $8.95. There were a few people who would have to pay hundreds of millions of dollars under this plan. I think it was Mark Goodson and Bill Todman, the guys who do the quiz shows. But almost everybody else would be off really cheap.
I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano. I went with my wife and another guy to a Mexican restaurant, which we thought would be the ultimate test for an antiflatulance product. There's a reason most of Mexico is located out of doors. And it worked. Several newspapers refused to run that column. But they did run advertisements for Beano.
I'm always writing new books so I don't dwell on the ones I've already done. I think that's a habit from being a newspaper guy because you're always writing columns and you can't reflect on the ones you've already done.
I got a picture [tattoo] of Mohammed Ali on my side with one of his quotes. That's my guy. I look up to him. I'm like his number one fan.
Some guys make their careers off one horse; kind of a trick horse, a wonder horse. I'm not knocking that, but for me I'm trying to get better and study. That means taking out new horses. It's a life study. When I've finished a horse, I turn him out and basically stop riding him, except taking him to the occasional branding so I can enjoy him.
I'm not going to waste my energy looking into the eyes of someone like the guy who blew my legs off trying to find a way to forgive him for doing something that horrible when there are way more productive ways I could be spending my life. You've got to focus on moving on.
People tend to read books about a guy who goes back in time or a guy who is living under a pier.
It's always really cool when you get to play with someone who you like and they go out of their way to be nice to you; it's not just a 'oh I played with them but I didn't meet them' sort of situation, so shout out to those guys for being awesome.
I'm not a guy who can go in and go, "Hey, are we doing right or wrong?" I just do it. And whatever it is, it is.
Standup is tough; if you are going through a hard period in your life, it is very hard to get up in front of people and be the happy guy in the room.
I'd always written rhymes but I was scared to share them. They stayed on paper or in my head, until I started going to watch battles and eventually thought to myself, "I'm definitely as good as some of these guys, and maybe even better than them".
If I'm drinking I can either be the nicest guy ever or I'm the guy you should leave alone.
Women in stores will pull their children away from me sometimes so they won't catch the crazy Creed virus. Other folks are disappointed that I'm not that guy in person.
I wanted people to know that I'm not just a guy who does weird videos on the Internet. I actually am a filmmaker, and I can tell stories, and I can create something that's 90 minutes long that feels just like any other movie you see in the theater, and hopefully enjoy.
I feel like guys don't think it's cool to use emojis. I'm like, that's so whack. Emojis help so much. They really do give context to something.
I'm a really lucky guy, I have a good wardrobe of suits and things, and I have a wife that gives me a direction if I'm doing something wrong. I live a great life and I do what I love, which is wonderful.
I wish my daughters would box. I'm so worried about the guys coming up to them. I would love them to be able to smack a guy right off a bar stool.
What that’s allowed me to do is have a vantage point about my own life that's accessible to people still. I could see a guy walking down the street and be like, Even though I'm famous, I got more in common with this guy than, like, Brad Pitt.
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