My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.
You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.
I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.
I love Merion and I don't even know her last name.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
I'm a golfaholic. And all the counseling in the world wouldn't help me.
A hungry dog hunts best.
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.
My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.
Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.
If God wanted you to putt cross-handed, he would have made your left arm longer.
To me, the [British] Open is the tournament I would come to if I had to leave a month before and swim over.
I thought Manual Labor was a Mexican golf pro.
Show me a golfer who doesn't have a mean streak, and I'll show you a weak competitor.
Caddies are a breed of their own. If you shoot 66, they say, "Man, we shot 66!" But go out and shoot 77, and they say "Hell, he shot 77!"
I'm a golfaholic, no question about that. Counseling wouldn't help me. They'd have to put me in prison, and then I'd talk the warden into building a hole or two and teach him how to play.
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