My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
99% of the putts that are short don't go in the hole
Who can say I have a bad swing? The only thing that matters in golf is the score you put on the board. You don't have to look pretty out there, you have to win. Look at my record and tell me who has a better swing than mine.
You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
His nerve, his memory, and I can't remember the third thing.
There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.
I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.
One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic.
Two things that are not long for this world: dogs that chase cars and professional golfers who putt for pars.
It's the most fun I've had with my clothes on.
My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
When you're poor, you know nothing about the future, you know nothing about the world, nothing that goes on outside 300 yards around you.
No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine.
In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron.
If Jack Nicklaus had to play my tee shots, he couldn't break 80. He'd be a pharmacist with a string of drugstores in Ohio.
I believe in reincarnation. In my last life I was a peasant. Next time around, I'd like to be an eagle. Who hasn't dreamed they could fly? They're a protected species, too.
Show me a golfer who doesn't have a mean streak, and I'll show you a weak competitor.
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