My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
Who can say I have a bad swing? The only thing that matters in golf is the score you put on the board. You don't have to look pretty out there, you have to win. Look at my record and tell me who has a better swing than mine.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic.
In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron.
I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.
You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.
I believe in reincarnation. In my last life I was a peasant. Next time around, I'd like to be an eagle. Who hasn't dreamed they could fly? They're a protected species, too.
Two things that are not long for this world: dogs that chase cars and professional golfers who putt for pars.
When you're poor, you know nothing about the future, you know nothing about the world, nothing that goes on outside 300 yards around you.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
99% of the putts that are short don't go in the hole
Show me a golfer who doesn't have a mean streak, and I'll show you a weak competitor.
There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.
Living in Dallas, I root for the Mavericks and the Stars and the Cowboys, but I've always pulled for the Chicago Cubs. I enjoy watching them play.
To me, the [British] Open is the tournament I would come to if I had to leave a month before and swim over.
I'm not out there just to be dancing around. I expect to win every time I tee up.
If God wanted you to putt cross-handed, he would have made your left arm longer.
I've traveled the world and been about everywhere you can imagine. There's not anything I'm scared of except my wife.
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