Carol Leifer Quotes

Quotes about:

• I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.

  Carol Leifer

  Mom, Mad, Desire

  46 Copy quote

• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

  Carol Leifer

  Funny, Pain, Philosophy

  15 Copy quote

• I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.

  Carol Leifer

  Light, White, People

  12 Copy quote

• Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

  Carol Leifer

  Morning, Sex, Funny Marriage

  8 Copy quote

• I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.

  Carol Leifer

  Islands, Names, Guy

  8 Copy quote

• Women in the workplace - we still have big strides to make. Girlfriend of mine just got a new job. First question the new boss asked her was if she could make a good cup of coffee... Yeah, she stormed right out of that Starbucks.

  Carol Leifer

  Girlfriend, Jobs, Coffee

  9 Copy quote

• Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord."

  Carol Leifer

  Funny, Travel, Sitting

  5 Copy quote

• Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

  Carol Leifer

  Senior, Retirement, Time Flies

  16 Copy quote

• When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.

  Carol Leifer

  Couple, Six Months, Looks

  42 Copy quote

• Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.

  Carol Leifer

  Real, Making Love, Buying

  Carol Leifer (2009). “When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror”, p.10, Villard

  6 Copy quote

• You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.

  Carol Leifer

  Investing, Eating, Fast Food

  "Ten Minutes with Carol Leifer: Comedian suggests investing in Spandex". Interview with Amey Stone, www.aol.com. May 17, 2009.

  13 Copy quote

• As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

  Carol Leifer

  Rejection, Environment, Worst

  53 Copy quote

• They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.

  Carol Leifer

  People, Source, Materials

  8 Copy quote

• All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.

  Carol Leifer

  Men, Decision, Stuff

  8 Copy quote

• I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

  Carol Leifer

  Reason, Cried

  5 Copy quote

• I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.

  Carol Leifer

  Should, Perfume, Testers

  4 Copy quote

• When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.

  Carol Leifer

  Lying, Winning, Age

  "Carol Leifer on auditioning for Larry David, writing for SNL, and more". Interview with Will Harris, tv.avclub.com. April 25, 2014.

  4 Copy quote

• I'm sorry I didn't have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I'm not participating anymore.

  Carol Leifer

  Sorry, Sleep, Revelations

  4 Copy quote

• Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.

  Carol Leifer

  Beautiful, Self, Authentic Self

  8 Copy quote

• I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.

  Carol Leifer

  Passing On, Cojones, Worthwhile

  "The One Woman You MUST Know About Before Watching the Oscars This Sunday. (Hint: She's Known as the Real "Elaine" on Seinfeld!)" by Jessica Radloff, www.glamour.com. February 24, 2012.

  8 Copy quote

• Some people have their marriages annulled, which means they never existed. Boy, talk about denial! What do you say when people see your wedding album? 'Oh that was just some play I was in.

  Carol Leifer

  Mean, Boys, Play

  5 Copy quote

• My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

  Carol Leifer

  Father, Long, Guy

  Carol Leifer (2009). “When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror”, p.3, Villard

  53 Copy quote

• It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.

  Carol Leifer

  Funny, Men, Humans

  5 Copy quote

• When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, 'I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive.' And six months later you're like, 'Lord, any mammal with a day job.

  Carol Leifer

  Sweet, Jobs, Smart

  5 Copy quote

• You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't come out for his morning press conferences: 'From now on, I'd like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y'all know my vice president, Dog Chain.

  Carol Leifer

  Dog, Morning, People

  5 Copy quote

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