I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.
They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.
Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.
As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.
Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.
I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.
Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.
Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.
You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.
There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.
My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.
My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.
There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.
My stand-up act is very clean.
My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.
My father was a huge influence on me.
Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord."
It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.
All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.
I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
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