I suddenly had this really mad desire to have an affair with a woman. I was divorced. I was childless. I figured there's got to be one more way to really tick off my mom.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.
Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.
Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
My father was the king of the joke-tellers. I was so impressed as a child watching him, holding people in rapt attention.
My father was a huge influence on me.
There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.
There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.
My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.
My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.
Obviously, at this age, I've lost people in my life. But with a parent, it's just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he'd always be around. So I'm finding acceptance of my father's death is the hardest thing to accept.
When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, 'I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive.' And six months later you're like, 'Lord, any mammal with a day job.
Some people have their marriages annulled, which means they never existed. Boy, talk about denial! What do you say when people see your wedding album? 'Oh that was just some play I was in.
Growing up, it was always, 'If you buy kosher meat, they're killed humanely.' But I've seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn't be a part of it anymore.
Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'
Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord."
All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.
It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.
As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.
I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.
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