A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.
Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'
Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?
Boeing is working on an invisible fighter jet so nobody can see who's flying it. Didn't George Bush fly this in the National Guard, I believe?
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor. He's got a great slogan - 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop II
I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.
It's not a big part, ... I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor's gynecologist, 'If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.' Then they hand me a urine sample, and I put it up to the light and say 'Hmm, looks pretty healthy, but I'll check.'
President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield.
Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.
I have a wonderful respect for old people.
People who go into show business are screwed up.
I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California.
My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'
I think that you're always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way.
President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.
You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it regular or unleaded?'
The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News.
There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'
President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.'
I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.
Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.
New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.
In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.
Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.
While there's no 'I' in team, there's also no 'you', okay? So back off.
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