Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.
Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someone who really likes it. I can't imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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