Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
I was a high school throw-out.
Modesty is not one of my virtues.
My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
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