Alan King Quotes

• Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

  Alan King

  Marriage, Fighting, Way

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• Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

  Alan King

  Worry, Faces, Enough

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• If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

  Alan King

  Love, Inspirational, Marriage

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• A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

  Alan King

  Holiday, Summary

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• You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

  Alan King

  Birthday, People, Looks

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• Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

  Alan King

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

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• We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

  Alan King

  Crime, Stage, Certain

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• The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."

  Alan King

  Fire, House, Lawyer

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• My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

  Alan King

  Father, Said

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• I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.

  Alan King

  Giving, Joy, Unhappy

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• Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

  Alan King

  Fun, Reflection, Mirrors

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• Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

  Alan King

  Holocaust, Way, Jokes

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• My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'

  Alan King

  Father, Smart, Hero

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• I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

  Alan King

  Bird, Mind, Special

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• The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

  Alan King

  Running, Trying, World

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• As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

  Alan King

  Sex, Eggs, Pleasure

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• Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

  Alan King

  Firsts, Tvs, Program

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• If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

  Alan King

  Thinking, Expenses, Ifs

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• My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.

  Alan King

  Brother, Cutting, College

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• I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

  Alan King

  Thinking, Comedy, Bigs

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• And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

  Alan King

  Fun, Want, Weapons

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• When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

  Alan King

  Running, Morning, Apples

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• I was a high school throw-out.

  Alan King

  School, High School

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• My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.

  Alan King

  Son, Stories, My Son

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• My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

  Alan King

  Mother, Giving, House

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