Jen Lancaster Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

  Jen Lancaster

  Light

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• Writing is something that I've always loved. That stems from my love of being a reader.

  Jen Lancaster

  Writing, Stem, Reader

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• You can't all of a sudden go to sleep one night and wake up Martha Stewart. It's bit by bit by bit.

  Jen Lancaster

  Sleep, Night, Wake Up

  "Author Jen Lancaster channels Martha Stewart". Interview with Jocelyn McClurg, www.usatoday.com. June 5, 2013.

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• I never ever, ever say anything against my husband to anyone except my husband. Everyone gets in fights, and I think the natural propensity for women is, 'Oh I want to talk to someone.' But the minute you take what bothers you outside the bond between you and your husband, you let someone else into the relationship and that causes a wedge.

  Jen Lancaster

  Husband, Fighting, Thinking

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• The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously.

  Jen Lancaster

  Age, Best Things

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• Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items is his job because I kind of don't like to bend. I also refuse to carry anything heavier than my purse.

  Jen Lancaster

  Jobs, Kissing, Kiss Me

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• You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

  Jen Lancaster

  Fitness, Party, Thinking

  Jen Lancaster (2008). “Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e is Not The Answer”, p.198, Penguin

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• Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

  Jen Lancaster

  Heart, Chocolate, Bucks

  Jen Lancaster (2008). “Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e is Not The Answer”, p.88, Penguin

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• I’m busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn’t even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.

  Jen Lancaster

  Offering, Style, Accessories

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• Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

  Jen Lancaster

  Dog, Owning A Dog, Cracks

  Jen Lancaster (2006). “Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office”, p.142, Penguin

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• As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.

  Jen Lancaster

  Mother, Book, Littles

  Jen Lancaster (2009). “Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase”, p.15, Penguin

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• Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.

  Jen Lancaster

  Best Effort, Perfect, Tiny

  Jen Lancaster (2006). “Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office”, p.17, Penguin

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• I think people tend to be very myopic and they dont understand how their actions impact others.

  Jen Lancaster

  Thinking, Impact, People

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• No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.

  Jen Lancaster

  Emotional, Mourning, Capacity

  Jen Lancaster (2006). “Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office”, p.104, Penguin

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• This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.

  Jen Lancaster

  Brother, Fun, Maybe Tomorrow

  Jen Lancaster (2008). “Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e is Not The Answer”, p.191, Penguin

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• I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.

  Jen Lancaster

  Running, Believe, Bathroom

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• I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.

  Jen Lancaster

  Lazy, Excess, Movement

  Jen Lancaster (2008). “Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e is Not The Answer”, p.15, Penguin

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• You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

  Jen Lancaster

  Thinking, Walks

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• In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.

  Jen Lancaster

  Real, Mean, People

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• I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

  Jen Lancaster

  Italian, Blood, Half

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• I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.

  Jen Lancaster

  Thinking, Remembers Everything, People

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• Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.

  Jen Lancaster

  Girl, Simple, Hands

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• Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda. Maybe you're just you.

  Jen Lancaster

  Miranda, Samantha, Charlotte

  Jen Lancaster (2009). “Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase”, p.233, Penguin

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• I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

  Jen Lancaster

  Jobs, Clever, Writing

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• When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

  Jen Lancaster

  Cells, Phones, Rude

  Jen Lancaster (2007). “Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?”, p.39, Penguin

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