The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
Music is the surest way of reaching someone else's heart.
Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets.
Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you're with, but you can leave when you want to.
I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.
I am trapped in this body, and there is nothing I can do about it.
It seems that a lot of people, who haven't known of me as a pianist, think I've just started off as a comedian. And so for them the piano was something extra. But, of course, playing the piano was something that came before all of what's happened now.
I haven't had that many women - only as many as I could lay my hands on.
I can hear the music all around me.
Jaguar — For men who'd like hand-jobs from beautiful women they hardly know.
Volvo — they're boxy but they're good.
When I think of Canada I think of tonic water.
Maybe the memory does play tricks. Increasingly, I'm thinking, 'What was their name? I knew that name yesterday.' I think that's what happens. At some point, I'll forget that I ever worked with Peter Cook, I suppose, and Alan Bennett and Jonathan Miller.
I certainly did feel inferior. Because of class. Because of strength. Because of height. I guess if I'd been able to hit somebody in the nose, I wouldn't have been a comic.
In the course of an average lifetime anyone growing up in a house with such a clock will hear the tune over a million times.
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