Conan O'Brien Quotes About Today

Quotes about: Today

• Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq

  Conan O'Brien

  Iraq, White, House

• The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Horse, Winning

• I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

  Conan O'Brien

  Inspirational, Disappointment, Believe

  "Honorary Degree Recipient Conan O'Brien's Commencement Address to Dartmouth College Graduates". www.dartmouth.edu. 2011.

• The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC.

  Conan O'Brien

  Jobs, Winning, Pigs

• Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, 'Just keeping my options open. It's a dicey job market. You never know.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Buddhist, Jobs, Sri Lanka

• John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse.

  Conan O'Brien

  Two, Wife, Trying

• It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Military, Brokeback Mountain, Troops

• Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.

  Conan O'Brien

  Crush, Jobs, College

  Conan O'Brien's Commencement Address at Dartmouth College in Hanover, New Hampshire, www.dartmouth.edu. June 12, 2011.

• Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Crazy, Abortion, Upset

• It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yes. This is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.

  Conan O'Brien

  Mother, Moving, White

  "American Morning" with John Roberts, www.cnn.com. November 12, 2008.

• Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.

  Conan O'Brien

  Long, Stories, Today

• Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.

  Conan O'Brien

  Math, President, Opponents

• Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace's last user went private.

  Conan O'Brien

  Today, Lasts, Users

  Twitter post from May 18, 2012

• Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.

  Conan O'Brien

  Eye, Hair, Blue

• Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.

  Conan O'Brien

  Today, Use, States

• This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France. Twelve people were killed because a satirical newspaper made jokes that some group found offensive. All of us are accustomed to bad news from around the world. But this story hits home for anybody who mocks anyone.

  Conan O'Brien

  Home, People, Tragedy

• It was reported today that former Governor Howard Dean raised $14 million dollars in campaign funds mostly over the Internet. Of course, Dean's success could be contributed to his Web site: www.wetboobies.

  Conan O'Brien

  Dollars, Campaigns, Today

• Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats.

  Conan O'Brien

  People, Campaigns, News

• President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal.

  Conan O'Brien

  Hard Work, Order, Yesterday

• Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that's not fair.

  Conan O'Brien

  Husband, Years, Example

• Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So it's very important tonight that I express that everybody who works at our comedy show, all of us are terribly sad for the families and people of France and anybody in the world tonight who now has to think twice before making a joke. It's not the way it's supposed to be.

  Conan O'Brien

  Thinking, Paris, People

  "Jon Stewart on Paris Attack: "Comedy Shouldn't Be an Act of Courage" by Aaron Couch, www.hollywoodreporter.com. January 7, 2015.

• Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there's a huge sale at K-Mart.

  Conan O'Brien

  Stories, Trials, Today

• It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'

  Conan O'Brien

  Drinking, Mean, Space

• According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.

  Conan O'Brien

  Yes We Can, President, Today

  "American Morning" with John Roberts and Kiran Chetry, www.cnn.com. September 16, 2009.

• Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it's a drunk Secret Service agent.

  Conan O'Brien

  Easter, Eggs, White

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