Chris Rock Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• 

  There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Hilarious, Laughter

• Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Smart, Humor

• Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, People

• I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Stupid, Humor

• Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Baby, Lying

  "Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker". TV Special, July 10, 1999.

• Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, White

• Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Book, Humor

  "Chris Rock: Bring the Pain". TV Special, June 1, 1996.

• I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Mean, Mcdonalds

  "Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Rock". TV Special, 1999.

• Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Dance, Humor

• Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Men

• If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Daughter, Humor

• Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Gun

• If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Uncles, Humor

• White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Gun, Men

  "'It's the White BET Awards!' Chris Rock's funniest jokes ahead of his Oscars hosting stint". www.mirror.co.uk. February 28, 2016.

• Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Stars, Halloween

• Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Chris Rock: Never Scared". TV Special, April 17, 2004.

• Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle
  down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club.
  You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always
  some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the
  club.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Chris Rock: Bring the Pain". TV Special, June 1, 1996.

• I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Rocks

• Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Drug

• Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Shopping

• If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Grandma, Humor

• A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Boys

• Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Gay

• So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, America

  "Chris Rock: Never Scared". TV Special, April 17, 2004.

• Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Humor, Gun

  "Accidental Gun Control: Bullets Get Expensive". www.npr.org. May 21, 2008.

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