Ambrose Bierce Funny Quotes

• The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.13, University of Georgia Press

• War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Peace, Military

• The covers of this book are too far apart.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  Ambrose Bierce (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)”, p.3723, Delphi Classics

• Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.155, University of Georgia Press

• Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Sarcastic, Art

  Ambrose Bierce (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)”, p.2450, Delphi Classics

• In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Humor, Government

  "The Devil's Dictionary". Book by Ambrose Bierce, 1911.

• Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Anniversary, Romantic

  Devil's Dictionary (1911) p. 213

• Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Prayer, Humor

  Ambrose Bierce (2012). “The Devil's Dictionary”, p.96, Courier Corporation

• Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Science, Pockets

  The Devil's Dictionary

• Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Money, Badass

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.17, University of Georgia Press

• In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Integrity, Heart

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.68, University of Georgia Press

• What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Country, Humorous

  Ambrose Bierce (1968). “The Ambrose Bierce satanic reader: selections from the invective journalism of the great satirist”

• PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Music, Keys

  Ambrose Bierce (2009). “The Devil's Dictionary: Easyread Large Bold Edition”, p.224, ReadHowYouWant.com

• Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Jealousy, Sarcastic

  Cynic's Word Book (1906) p. 41

• NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Love, Funny, Humor

  Ambrose Bierce (2016). “The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World”, p.149, 谷月社

• Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, God, Names

  Ambrose Bierce (2016). “The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World”, p.41, 谷月社

• AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Country, Lying

  Ambrose Bierce (2016). “The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World”, p.16, 谷月社

• General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Military, Enemy

  Ambrose Bierce (2016). “The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World”, p.229, 谷月社

• Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Truth, Appearance

  Ambrose Bierce (2011). “Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs”, p.825, Library of America

• Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Sloth, Degrees

  Ambrose Bierce (2012). “The Devil's Dictionary”, p.69, Courier Corporation

• Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Happiness, Happy

  Ambrose Bierce (2000). “Tales of Soldiers and Civilians: and Other Stories”, p.26, Penguin

• You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  Ambrose Bierce (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)”, p.1223, Delphi Classics

• Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Moving, Humor

  Ambrose Bierce (2011). “Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs”, p.565, Library of America

• I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Humorous, Party

• A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Funny, Age, Nervous

  Ambrose Bierce (2011). “Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs”, p.842, Library of America

You May Also Like:

Edgar Allan Poe

Mark Twain

Stephen Crane

Algernon Blackwood

H. P. Lovecraft

Nathaniel Hawthorne

Arthur Machen